Conversations with self. Something I am still working on. I’ve come a long way from where I was a few years ago. The problem was rooted deeper for me because I considered my words to be more for motivational purposes. But yeah, calling yourself a fat ass really doesn’t help you drop any weight. What it actually does is programs your brain to constantly stay in fat ass mode and the universe will continue to deliver fat ass to you. On a more deeper level though, the conversations that I had when the room was silent and I was alone were the ones that really affected me. I honestly think it was the start of depression for me. For me, depression looks a lot different than what most people expect. I still get up and go to work every day, I still go to the gym, I still hang out with my friends. I still laugh, I still crack jokes. I even tell myself, you got this, right foot left foot. The honest truth, when I’m experiencing depression, I’m really sad on the inside. It’s almost like a shiny car with a bad engine. I cry A LOT. The laughing stops, the left foot right foot is going a little slower. And its usually 2am and I can’t fall back to sleep because I’m so anxious.
After dealing with this for months I decided “Aye girl, how long you gon do this” (My inner self is super hood ratchet, you’ll get to know her if you stick around). I was finally tired of this new normal. At first, it started as an experiment. Try this for 30 days and see how you feel. I’m a planner so I had a whole plan on how to fix myself and really be happy. The day that I was at home putting my plan together, I heard a very familiar voice. “You know you won’t finish this right” “You have every reason to be sad, it’s just you, your parents are deceased, look at the cards you’ve been dealt”. And those are just a couple of word beds I constantly snuggle comfortably in. I finally realized at that moment THIS IS WHY YOU ARE DEPRESSED. This voice is the voice that shows up when everyone is gone and there is nothing else playing in your head. These feelings were fillers on an automatic loop. At that moment things changed for me. It was like looking for car keys and realizing they were in your purse the entire time, and now that you have them you are ready to go! I knew that if I could just be more mindful of these conversations I had with my self I would fix the problem. I am NOT the thoughts in my mind and I am NOT my feelings. All the self-improvement books, classes, training, seminars, retreats, kicked in like a freight train. It was like waking up to a new world.
Now don’t think I am saying that this cured my dealings with depression and horrible self-talk. No, not at all. I am still a work in progress. But this moment formed the foundation and understanding that I contained the power of my mental and emotional well being. That I have the ability to manage my emotions and self-talk. It helped me to embrace a more mindful way of living every day. Mindfulness increases resilience because it gives us a way to be with how things are. To find some serenity at best or greater tolerance at least, around aspects of the presence that we can not change. We get stronger by becoming aware of our thoughts and feelings. Accepting their existence but not draining ourselves with the negative self-talk that provokes destructive behavior and unhealthy patterns of thinking and pointless stress. With the practice of mindfulness, we can exercise more choice about where to direct our attention.
How do you talk to yourself? Are you being kind to yourself? Do you treat yourself as well as you treat others? This ties in extremely well with my blog on self-awareness so if you haven’t read that you should totally check it out. It’s so important to know what the hell is going on with you. We know all the latest songs on the radio, we know whats trending on twitter but we don’t even know who we are. With the most recent celebrity suicides and all the ones that don’t make the news people are posting “check on your friends”. Yes, this is very important, but be sure to check in with yourself, often. And you can’t do this with a phone in your hand or music blasting in your ear. Take some quiet time alone. In the stillness of that moment, listen to what words come to mind. And if you have none, start your own list of affirmations. Over at womenhealth.com, they have a list of 25 positive affirmations that I feel are dope ones to start off with if you don’t have any. I’ve listed a few below. Do you have some to share? Do you have any meditation tips to share?
1. I have the power to create change.
2. I am in charge of how I feel and today I am choosing happiness.
3. I can and I will.
4. I believe in the person I am becoming.
5. I am doing my best and that is always enough.
6. I have the power to change my thoughts in a second.
7. I rest in happiness when I go to sleep, knowing all is well in my world.